Breathe Me In The Smoke From Your Cigarettes.
Looking from my second story window, I can see a sliver of the city that lies behind the trees. At night I stare out at the headlights of cars, blurring past in a frenzy, and my stomach twists. This is not the skyline I imagined myself looking at once upon a time. My world is so small and I fear that I will never find what I'm looking for here; I need to get out, get away. I need to find something new. Someone new.This routine I follow has had no other result than the sinking of my heart. Life has come to seem dull and that is something I never intended on feeling or admitting... there is no inspiration for me here. I can't keep shoving headphones in my ears and writing while I pretend that I'm getting everything I ever hoped for.
I want to travel, I want to see the world. I want to know what is out there and if, somehow, there is somewhere else I belong. I want my heart to beat erratically at the sight of something I see every day but never grow tired of. I can think of nothing other than escaping this bubble and venturing out into the unknown. It's all my heart beats for these days; hope.
On Sunday, February 28, 2010 at 9:06 PM
Because Through These Clouded Eyes The Sky Is Really Red.
"Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them." -- Antoine de Saint-ExuperyAnd from this child's mouth tumbles: But you are in love. What more is there to figure out?
On Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 8:47 PM
We Didn't Even See The Tides Change.
I wish every day was this simple.On Monday, February 22, 2010 at 9:43 PM
Hold Your Head High, Heavy Heart.
I'm coming unraveled.I wish the summer would hurry; I know it won't fix everything, but the sun on my skin will at least allow me to imagine things are better.
Someone told me that I'm not alone, that other people can relate to me.
Maybe it's just time that I opened my eyes and maybe my heart too.
On Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 12:23 PM
And So The Division Begins.
How can it hurt so much, to see someone you love go down the wrong road...when that person is part of the reason you cry. Part of the reason you hate yourself. Part of the reason all of your insecurities keep looming up to stare you in the face.
How can it hurt so much to watch a person you know you should walk away from, walk away on their own?
I hate this. Everything is falling apart.
On Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 10:03 PM
My Mind Is A Canvas.
If the world was how I wanted it to be... There would be stars in the sky every night. There would be eternal summer and The Perfect Blue stretching across the sky as far as the eye could see. There would be a whirlwind of colors in every breeze that brushed across my face and daisies growing in every yard. Kittens would not become cats and all of the animals in the world would be loved. I would live on a beach with blue sand and there would be nothing scary lurking beneath the surface of the sea. And there would be a little black door with an old-fashioned silver doorknob that led into the world of Tim Burton and cartoons would flow in an endless supply from the TV. I could play any song in perfect clarity by snapping my fingers to make it rain down in musical notes from the sky. If the world was how I wanted it to be... there would be no hurt, no pain. People would fall in love and stay in love and families would never be torn apart. No one would suffer yet compassion would still exist, it would be recognized and appreciated every day. People would change for the better, never for the worst. I would be happy every single day and no one would ever have to reassure me.But the world is not the way I want it to be. It is cruel, it is cold, it is harsh. The sand isn't blue, there are sharks in the sea. I can't always see the stars and The Perfect Blue only comes in patches in the summer... and the summer only comes for a couple months a year. A daisy has never grown in my yard, all of my kittens have turned to cats, there is no color in the breeze. And there is no door that leads into a Tim Burton world.
There are, however, people. While some of them are bad, some selfish, and some too full of pride... there are those that are kind-hearted and understanding. There are those that laugh at the same jokes I do and go along with my silly little stories and role-playing games in the car. There are those who are willing to listen though they hardly know me... because they are so incredibly amazing that they even care about those who are barely their friends. These are the people I would be lost without. I may be a bit directionally challenged, but they haven't let me land in the middle of nowhere yet and, for that, I am immensely grateful.
On Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 7:37 PM
Pull Me Under.
There is a boat. It is gray, chipped paint. It feels cold against my skin and the grain is the same shade as the sky. I shiver in the night. There is no light, there is no sound, there is only the sea. And there's a girl who stands on the waves, tears of silver dripping down her face. She calls for me... screams out my name. Whispering the entire time. And so I stand, and so I reach. But my little boat gives out beneath me. I tumble into the sea.And when I wake up, it feels like the water is still in my lungs.
On Saturday, February 13, 2010 at 7:56 PM
Puddles of creative juice.
As you may have noticed by looking over on the right side, I've currently got two other blogs in the works. These blogs are going to be totally different from Reality Crash; they are not journals by any means. They have been tentatively titled The Kablam Chronicles and Chasing The Summerset. I am further along with the Kablam blog as I have already written many drafts, created a blog, and put my own layout on it. Chasing The Summerset is still in the idea stage right now. I have to find the time to actually make the blog and make a layout to go with it.The Kablam blog is meant to be a surprise. I've really only told one person because I feel like I need feedback on my work before I post it... I'm trying to do something real here. The Chronicles bit makes things a little obvious though. It's going to be a series/story. If you look at the layout, you can read more about it and you'll understand it. I do NOT plan on posting anything though until I'm one hundred percent satisfied with it. I want this to be a REAL story, not just some bullshit blogging. I'm gonna turn this project into my baby.
Chasing The Summerset is an idea I've been toying with lately. Back in January I went to see Remember Paris play a comeback/cd release show at the Emerson and saw this band called The Summerset play while I was there. They were INCREDIBLE and I've been addicted to their music ever since. I listen to it practically every day. During Spring Break, they'll be touring in Texas and California. I've already been assured that I can have the week off from work and I really want to go on a roadtrip with my friend Courtney. So I was thinking that we could take off to Texas and follow The Summerset around a bit to catch their shows. It'd be spontaneous and fun and definitely different from things I've done before. Since it will be an adventure of sorts I figured it'd be neat to document my experiences in a blog. Pictures, updates, tell-alls. I'm not sure who'd read it or who'd actually be interested in it... but it'd be my way of being able to look back and remember how things went down. Besides, it's another way for me to write and that's always a good thing.
I'll post another update on these things soon and an update on my life as well.
Places to go, things to do, people to see.
-Tammy xx
On Friday, February 12, 2010 at 8:50 AM
The C Word
Why does this keep happening to me? Why does this stupid disease keep taking from me? I'm sick of it. I just want it to disappear. I can't do this again.On Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 6:52 PM
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By title
Breathe Me In The Smoke From Your Cigarettes.
Because Through These Clouded Eyes The Sky Is Really Red.
We Didn't Even See The Tides Change.
Hold Your Head High, Heavy Heart.
And So The Division Begins.
My Mind Is A Canvas.
Pull Me Under.
Puddles of creative juice.
The C Word
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