My Heart Is Splashed In Paint Across The Wall.
I really want to paint my room. Not just some bland solid color job, either. It would be a huge mural that stretches across all four walls; starting with swirling color, morphing into outer space. And then there would be a meadow, the ocean, a summer's sky.I want to create something that is beautiful beyond belief. And to actually paint it... would be the most amazing feeling in the world; I could drain every emotion from my body and put it right there on the walls with the paint.
Sigh. But I won't be here for much longer either way. Soon I'll be boxing all my stuff up and moving, and my room will be given to someone else. Where did my time go?
On Friday, August 28, 2009 at 7:10 PM
Sincerely, Mae.
If I could write you a letter, that I was sure you'd never read...I would fill it with stories I found in my dreams. I would tell you every secret, every hope, every wish. I'd draw you a million stars, in a galaxy filled with colors-- all swirling into each other. I'd will to you the ocean, as if it were mine to give. I'd list for you every beautiful thing I could remember seeing in my life. I'd describe to you the memories of moments I was happy beyond belief.
I would write a million songs, a thousand thoughts, three words,
over and over again. I would give you every fear, insecurity, moment of despair, and regret marked across my wrist... then erase it so you wouldn't have to feel the pain. And if you held my hand, I'd throw that page away.
I would tell you about every smile I've seen, that made me smile too.
I'd tell you that she's my life, my world. That I'll always love him, no matter how much he pushes me away. I'd tell you that they're my strength, even if I claim they're bringing me down.
I would tell you that I'm okay,
even though I've told you at times I'm not.
I would tell you how crazy I am, how gullible, how over-dramatic, how emotional, how in love.
I would tell you that I can see the whole world, just by looking in your eyes; that the face I hide behind is merely a disguise.
I'd tell you that I was falling
falling
falling
that I couldn't stop.
I'd tell you exactly why my heart beats like mad whenever you are near.
I'd tell you the reason losing you is my biggest fear of all.
I'd write a million songs, a thousand thoughts, three words.
On Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 12:41 AM
Gah, Whatta GREAT Boy.
Me: "He said I should come say 'Hi' to him!"Friend: Semi-Squeal
Me: "...unless it was 'out of my comfort zone'."
Friend: "Oh my gosh, he cares about your comfort zone!"
Me: "Is that a good sign?"
Friend: "Yesss!"
In Unison: Squeaaaal!
Gosh. I wish I was still in high school, getting giddy over cute boys and the signs they may or may not be giving off. Haha, oh, those were the days.
'Cept college will be better :D
On Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 9:33 PM
I'm Angry So I Think I'll Crash This Car.
Sometimes I wish that I could just feel a certain way, and then act on that feeling.I wish I didn't have to think so much and hold myself back; that I wasn't always the responsible one. But, then again, I wouldn't want to be as blind as others are.
As an outsider looking in, I've gotten quite a view/understanding of the inner workings of love. It drives people crazy, fogs up their brain, and blinds them to the point of irrationality. People in love will do things they never would have done before, or allow themselves to be treated in ways they never would have allowed. Sometimes I just want to grab people and shake them; slap them and point to the truth that is lingering right in front of their face. It makes me hate love. It makes me hope that I never fall for someone. Because, if I do, will I be just as blind as the people I spend my time trying to wake up?
Someone once told me "we're blind because we want to be..."
I didnt understand it at first. But, sometimes, if I allow myself to dream...
I can picture myself being blind too and loving every second of it.
But, of course, I'm the responsible one.
So I'll snap back to reality and keep my heart locked up.
at 6:22 AM
You're so beautiful,
I wish you were't such a douche.On Saturday, August 22, 2009 at 8:42 PM
Goal Accomplished.
If you were aiming to make me hate you,you fucking succeeded.
Congratulations, you're pathetic.
On Friday, August 21, 2009 at 10:02 PM
Mrs. Brightside.
If I've learned anything over the last couple months, it's that you cannot expect too much or too little from people. You must have standards, regardless of how much you like someone or how badly you wish they would change, or how much you believe they can. You must not trust a person to a level that you believe there is no chance for them to let you down.I've learned that people aren't perfect; sometimes they change. And I've learned that, no matter how many times they say they can handle it, there are just some problems that are better kept to yourself.
I've learned that I was depending too much on having a particular friendship to help me through college, so I wouldn't stumble too often. I keep telling myself it's no big, I was going to have to make it on my own at some point... I just wish I still had someone I knew I could depend on.
I suddenly feel alone. Utterly and completely alone, in a world that's much bigger than I thought.
On Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 5:35 PM
Must've been hallucinating.
Why do I always get bombarded by guys asking me to hang out at 3/4 in the morning? at 11:54 AM
Chef TaeMae.
Today, I went with Bre to Aldi's and we got porkchops, mashed potatoes, and corn all for under five dollars. Yes, we rule. Then we went to her aunt's house and fried them up; they were raving over my seasoning skills :)I feel like I should do a whole bunch of cooking now, like some crazy foriegn blend night or something. Italian, Mexican, Chinese, maybe a little Greek. Oh, and definitely southern food-- I couldn't call myself a Hall if I didn't fry something and make gravy to go with it, or gumbo. And I want smores!
I definitely need to go on a camping trip =] A group of friends, a bonfire, a tent, marshmallows, and stars. That's all I need.
So, the agenda is as follows:
Get a job. asap.
Having a foriegn blend cooking night,or maybe many cooking nights with their own themes.
Go camping with friends; this, of course, will include the fire and smores. Oh, and ghost stories :]
Sigh. Why is life so great?
On Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 2:05 PM
Goodbye, summer.
I need to get a job. After two years of working, I thought a break would be nice; especially since it was the big before-college summer. I was wrong. Haha, I need money to survive now. Things definitely aren't the same as they were when I was fifteen.Two months of feeling like a bum is plenty for me. Tomorrow: Job hunting.
Oh, woo.
at 1:21 AM
Welcome to the real world.
You once told me that I helped you and that the words I said opened your eyes; you were making such an effort to change your ways that even your friends had noticed. I was proud of you. I thought you were making a decision to grow up and become the type of person you had the potential to be. But, of course, you sank right back into your old ways. And now nothing I say is of any worth to you at all. I wish you had stuck to your plan for change though, because it's going to be so much harder now.Maybe partying, having sex with skanks, and shows are the keys to success in the world you live in now, but you're about to enter the real world. The things you do now are merely keys for FAILURE there. You are about to become a nobody. Some people call this a fresh start.
Are you going to taint it by carrying the habits you have now along with you, or are you going to make the most of it you possibly can?
I hope you make the right choice. I can't tell you my opinions on this, if you aren't listening. And, of course, you aren't.
On Monday, August 17, 2009 at 3:43 PM
Pardon me, but may I kick your ass today?
I have no shame in admitting that my mother is Bisexual. She is also completely devoted to my father, in case you begin jumping to conclusions.My parents have several gay, bisexual, and straight friends who are all wonderful people. The local bar welcomes all of these people with open arms and a lot of the people in town go down on weekends to kareoke and whatnot.
Lately, however, there have been a few people in town who have made it clear that the bar should not cater to people with orientations different than their own. Hence the reason four women jumped my mother the other night. I may not be a tough girl, and I may seem more talk than action, but take me on my word when I say that I will be among the first to beat ass if I ever see any of these "women". Four grown women who need the help of at least three other individuals to win a fight don't threaten me at all. The fact that they called my mother a bitch out in public, in front of my eleven-year-old sister has only made matters much worse for them.
Apparently they've found out where we live. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what they're thinking. I'm actually HOPING that they will come. I have a lot of pent up frustrations that I am really looking forward to taking out on them. And my mom's black eye only makes it worse.
I am ready to kick ass. So, bring it homophobes.
On Sunday, August 16, 2009 at 9:03 PM
A girl can dream.
I starting reading the Twilight books in tenth grade. I loved it; the story absolutely captivated me. I loved the fact that I could relate to Bella on many levels, and I loved Stephenie Meyer's writing method. The voice telling the story was absolutely fantastic. By the time I reached Eclipse I was dreaming of movies only to find out soon after that one was being made.Is it just me or would Emily Browning have been the perfect Bella? I always imagined her face when I read the books and, apparently, I'm not the only one. I stumbled upon many fan-made movie fliers depicting her as Bella. I will never understand what possessed them to choose Kristen Stewart for the role. She's not a very talented girl, and she definitely isn't a good Bella. I can't even get into the movie because of it. She is horrible. She fails to fall into the role and acts just as she has acted in every other role she has played. For all we know, it isn't even Bella on the screen... It is the girl from Speak or Land of Women. Aren't actors/actresses supposed to be able to take on different roles and portray them differently than they would have in another movie? Sigh. Oh, Kristen. tisk tisk.
I am going to stop ranting now. Talking about the failed casting in Twilight only makes me think of Robert Pattinson's chest hair. guhh.
at 8:08 PM
Jumpstart my heart.
I need to find someone true.On Saturday, August 15, 2009 at 6:59 PM
If I could change myself,
If I was gorgeous, and cool...If your friends worshipped the ground I walked on...
Would you still ignore me then?
Stop lying to yourself.
at 3:03 PM
Cracked hearts, matching mirrors.
Sometimes I think, if I was beautiful, the world would love me more. I'm probably not wrong. Tell me you wouldn't value my words more if I looked like a goddess; go on, lie. The world is filled with people taking the noble road and pretending that looks don't matter to them... that they treat everyone equally. But, in all reality, everyone is more intrigued by a beautiful person.It is a flaw that the world has and, as much as we may try to deny it, it's something that we all share.
I suppose I'm just one of the unlucky people that got stuck without beauty in a world that requires it.
On Friday, August 14, 2009 at 11:57 AM
Life is a rush, a blur.
You can push me away, pretend as if I do not exist.It doesn't really matter; we didn't have a real friendship to begin with.
But even if you turn into the biggest asshole the world has ever known,
I'll still believe in you. I know someday you'll be great, maybe you know it too.
I don't take things personally. Afterall, we're teenagers and I'm some lame girl.
On Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 10:08 PM
shows over hoes.
Why do people turn into complete assholes,for no reason at all? =/
at 5:37 PM
Storm.
There is a storm outsideI can see it through the windows,
feel it seeping through the walls.
It beats against this house,
the fortress of my heart.
And If I throw the door open,
it will sweep me away
So I keep my eyes down and wait for day
But I can hear the wind whispering,
it calls your name.
I'll walk forward,
in hopes of seeing your face.
And If I die tonight,
the tragic soul wasted away by fate
The story twisted by bounds of reality,
it will all be okay.
Reality is so unkind,
keeping you hidden away.
You voice wont answer my calls,
your hand wont touch my face.
And when I close my eyes,
you're all that I see.
What the heart longs for,
remains ony a dream.
But the wind is beckoning
I can't block it out anymore
I can hear your voice,
just outside the door
And if I die tonight,
the tragic soul wasted away by fate
The story twisted by the bounds of reality,
it will all be okay.
I can feel it now,
the electricity pulsing beneath my fingertips.
my face is pressed to the glass
and it cools my fevered skin.
My heart is beating
with the rhythm of the rain
and the sound of my breathing
matches the wind's scream.
I know you're out there,
I can feel you on the other side
and what I wouldn't give
for one touch, one whisper
one dance to slow down time
The handle is turning,
the storm is raging
And all I can hear is your voice.
All I can see is your face.
And if I die tonight,
the tragic soul wasted away by fate
The story twisted by the bounds of reality,
it will all be okay.
On Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 7:24 PM
Oh, and the sun shine again.
Thanks to Teeluhr (:D) and some short investigative research on the 21st Century Scholars website, I have discovered that I get to KEEP MY SCHOLARSHIP. I am absolutely elated :)Now I don't have to go to some cheap school for my general classes. I just applied to IU and BSU for the spring semester. AND having this semester to work is going to be great. Everything is near-perfect now.
at 3:06 PM
Isn't she Lucky.
The Hall family karma has rendered me the unluckiest girl in the world.I worked my ass off in school, and held myself back from hitting several bitches in the mouth, to keep my scholarship. I also did everything in my ability to get ready for college this semester. I had all of my applications and forms filled out, I took my placement tests, I went to soar, I signed up for my classes, I even signed up for freshman fest (and I was totally stoked for it. Which is odd, because my comfort zone is usually super small). But, the financial aid office dropped the ball.
They're backed up by about a week, and a bunch of students are being put on hold because of it. It doesn't help that I was one of the "lucky" students included in the 1/3 that randomly got picked to provide verification documents before my financial aid information can be processed and I can receive my money. They waited to tell me this until today, when I called to figure out why my stuff hadn't been fixed since the last time I spoke with them, a couple weeks ago.
Needless to say, I was pissed. The lady then preceded to tell me that, because they're behind on getting things processed, I would have to be put on a payment plan if I still wanted to start classes on the 24th. The cheapest of these payment plans requires a $650 down payment. AND I still have to get my text books. I was really depending on my scholarship and grant money to pay for these things, but, because their financial aid office isn't on top of their game, I have been screwed over.
After spending several hours on the phone, searching for info on the web, and having a long discussion with my parents I have reached what I (and my parents) believe is the best decision: I am waiting to go to school until next semester.
I bawled my eyes out over this, because I worked sooo hard to make sure I could go to school this semester. I graduated from high school early just so I could save money for a car. I definitely would have saved myself the trouble If I would've known things were going to turn out this way. Plus, this means I'm going to lose my scholarship... which was my source for tuition money.
It isn't the end of the world; I can start next semester, and things will actually work out better. I get to live at home for the next semester and save up money while I work. My parents are going to take care of me because they understand my situation. I can get my car fixed, and save extra money that I'm going to need. My living situation will work itself out much better than it would have had I went this semester. My financial aid stuff WILL be taken care of before I start classes.
I know that this is much better for me, and that I put everything I had into making it to school this semester even though i thought it'd be impossible... but I still can't help but feel sad about it. I'm just trying to keep my head up. I am determined, and I won't let anything hold me back... it's just going to take a little longer than I thought it would. But, I guess that's just life.
On Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 6:36 PM
Perhaps you didn't hear me scream.
I want to shake you until you can see me again,or at least acknowledge my existence.
Before I begin believing I am invisible.
On Sunday, August 9, 2009 at 7:14 PM
Whisper Your Name.
It is senseless to deny it; the world can see my feelings for you, etched clearly across my face. I wear my heart on my sleeve and your name is sewn into the stitching, invisible to all but my beating heart. And when I look in the mirror, your face is reflected in my eyes. I cannot seem to shake you from my mind.And then you say the words I've been waiting so desperately to hear, and my breath catches, my heart flutters wildly in my chest. But I'll push these coincidental feelings away and lie to myself to evade pain. Because no amount of hope in the world can allow my silly heart to believe in possibilities that simply do not exist. You can never be mine.
I fear my heart has finally stopped. What is broken time and time again cannot always be fixed. If I listen closely enough, I can hear a stuttering beat, clashing against the silence of my shattered world, and it calls out your name.
On Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:53 PM
Leave your thoughts here.
By title
My Heart Is Splashed In Paint Across The Wall.
Sincerely, Mae.
Gah, Whatta GREAT Boy.
I'm Angry So I Think I'll Crash This Car.
You're so beautiful,
Goal Accomplished.
Mrs. Brightside.
Must've been hallucinating.
Chef TaeMae.
Goodbye, summer.
Welcome to the real world.
Pardon me, but may I kick your ass today?
A girl can dream.
Jumpstart my heart.
If I could change myself,
Cracked hearts, matching mirrors.
Life is a rush, a blur.
shows over hoes.
Storm.
Oh, and the sun shine again.
Isn't she Lucky.
Perhaps you didn't hear me scream.
Whisper Your Name.
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