"No, that's not make-up. It's real blush."
I turn red. Like, alot. It's actually quite ridiculous sometimes -- and, the worst part? When I blush, I get embarrassed for blushing, and then I blush even MORE! :OI guess it just goes back to he whole shy thing. I'm always worried that I'm going to say/do something really dumb in front of a person I want to like me (As a friend or...otherwise. ha.). Therefore, every time I feel like I've said/done something really dumb, I blush. And I get nervous. And then I don't talk. And then, as the horrible realization of how silence is NOT good crashes down on me, all of my fears come true: The person looks at me as if I'm insane, and walks away. Or makes up an excuse to walk away. It's the same, really.
I just don't understand why I cant SOCIALIZE NORMALLY. I try not to be so nervous and scared to talk to people; but it just happens. Even if I'm all cool and collected in my mind, I still sputter and break down. It's like a habit that I have no control over. I wish it would just go away =/
I'm kind of sinking back into my insecurity issue. You know, the one I thought I got RID of. It's like, "I'm not pretty. Not even the slightest bit pretty. I am the opposite of pretty. Gosh, I am ugly. I hate myself". I know, I know. It's a normal teenage thing right? Wrong. I shouldn't feel down on myself all the time; it's not natural. And it's just a brick on the road to depression -- a place where I seriously never want to go again. I mean, I'm a happy person. Like super happy, all the time. But I think, if I had confidence, my happiness would be more complete.
But my dark side tells my happy side how horrible I am all time, and I believe it. No one is telling me any different, so why not believe? Okay, that's a lie. A lot of people tell me different -- tell me that I'm pretty and smart, brilliant and amazing. But it's different when it comes from people you've known forever, or people you're really good friends with. You suspect that they're lying and honestly, you can never really be sure if they are.
ugggh. Maybe I just need a new haircut and a $20k scholarship, and then I'll shut my mouth.
PS- D.A.R.E Girl is bomb.
PPS- so is G.R.E.A.T Boy :]
PPPS- sooo is P.I.M.P Boy :D
gahaha.
On Saturday, March 14, 2009 at 6:26 PM
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