sleep walking, dream talking.
It's amazing how some songs strike up a memory so clearly, that it takes my breath away. I've been told that sometimes, when a person goes through a stressful/traumatizing ordeal, that their brain blocks it out; When things are too hard to deal with, erasing them may be the only option that seems available. Though I was young when my mama died, her death seems to be the core of alot of problems that I deal with. My family has fallen apart, my brother is a rebel and is leading himself into trouble, my parents aren't there for me to talk to as much as I wish they were, I'm always scared/worried, I cannot accept happiness for what it truly is....the list goes on and on. I cannot muster up the energy to desribe each and every one of these problems and then explain how they relate to my mama's death; nor do I wish to. I don't get too personal with these things. I feel like letting everything out, means that I will have nothing left to hold onto. There are just some things that are better left unsaid. I suppose that's what my brain has assumed as well. I'm remembering alot of things lately...things that I somehow just KNOW are true. It's strange because, none of them are really traumatic, they just happened during a traumatic period in my life. Is it possible that I went through that year doing things that I didn't really know I was doing? Is it possible that I buried myself that deep inside my own head, that I was capable of forgetting things that I was doing?When I really think about it, I realize that it is very possible. I've been hiding away inside my own head for a very long time. I'm not very social and I don't do very well with physical self-expression. I am a thinker---and only a very rational do-er. I mull over absolutely everything and think everything through. Hence the reason I NEVER get in trouble (other than being grounded for petty things. This is too deep to get into). Sometimes living in my own head is good, sometimes it's bad. I think some of you may know why.
On another note,
my dreams are becoming more vivi and even stranger than before. I have been sleeping for at least 11 hours at a time, dreaming. Somehow, I just don't think that this is normal. The nightmares aren't as bad anymore---I don't have them as frequently as I used to...but that doesn't stop the dreams from being weird. They're just so real. It's insane, I can't quit thinking about it. As soon as my head hits a pillow, I fall right into a dream that runs right up to the point that I open my eyes. I constantly fall back asleep even when I am begging myself to wake up. I really don't know what's going on with my body, or my mind. It's frustrating...yet alluring. It's like all the dreams are related---a mystery, or a puzzle waiting to be solved. I don't have the time to solve it though...I don't even have the time that I'm using to sleep. I've got so much that needs to be done in the real world.
On Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 11:42 AM
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