First things first.
I'm trying to write this english paper; I want it to be excellent. But, I cant. Maybe I'm not destined to be a writer...maybe I don't have what it takes. For some reason I am set in fairy tale mode, and pour-my-heart-out-but-dont-share-it mode. I don't like sharing my stories, until they are complete...yet I can never seem to finish them. And the things I write in my journals...i can't share those with anyone. It's too deep. Too personal. Too revealing. It'd be like opening up my chest so that people can play with my heart, and hoping that they wouldn't get too rough. But, If I am going to be a great writer, shouldn't I be able to write in all forms? Should I not be unafraid to show the work I value most? This is frustrating. I may not plan on using writing as my sole career, but I want to be passionate about something I am GOOD at. I don't want to waste my life away dreaming of things that I have no chance in hell at accomplishing even when putting forth my best efforts.This is not the only thing that has been bothering me....
I'm scared.
I'm scared of growing up. More so now, than ever. I was so excited to graduate mid-term and get out of highschool. I was so ready to start working and saving, and developing my future. But now...I don't even want to do it anymore. I believe I made a horrible mistake, and it kills me that I cannot take it back. In a way, I am glad to get out of school. But there is so much that I never did....so much that I always wanted to do. There are so many people I never connected with. I've only got two weeks left. I'm out of time, and I stand here with my mouth open, astonished and the pile of nothing I have as memories of highschool. It went by too fast. So fast, indeed, that I'm barely aware of what happened.
Not only is there the prospect of leaving highschool and having nothing good to show for it, but then theres the prospect of leaving home and having EVERYTHING good to show for it; everything that I won't have anymore. I never really realized just how safe I am here and how loved I truly am. I don't want to go away and live on my own. I don't want to be sitting in a dorm room somewhere crying when I'm sad...and not even be able to go to my mom so she can hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I NEED that. I need the sense of security that I feel here. I need to be sleeping next to my sister and whispering that I love her everynight before I go to sleep. I need to walk to the busstop with my brother every morning and laugh over the stupidest inside jokes anyone has ever created. I need to play fight with my dad, talk to him about serious things, and feel the love that is shared in a single hug. And most of all....I need my mom. So so so much. I know we argue alot, and that we rarely ever see eye to eye...but that's only because we are exactly the same. We both have so many pent up emotions that we're bound to explode if left with eachother for too long. But there is nothing in the world that feels better than lying my head in my moms lap to cry, or hugging her for hours on end. There its nothing better than knowing that, no matter what, we will get over every single fight and dance to Janet Jackson music by the end of the night. I dont want to leave...I don't want to be alone. My family is all that I have anymore, all that matters and I can't lose that.
When I leave, I won't even have a room. It's so hard to explain why this makes me cry. If I don't have my own room....it's just like staying over at someone else's house. It wont be my home anymore...it will be THEIR home. And I wont be a part of it. I will be truly and indefinitely alone.
Please slow this down. I'm not ready yet. I don't want to grow up.
On Thursday, December 4, 2008 at 3:57 PM
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