Honesty is a virtue.
So lets be honest, eh?I don't pretend to be a perfect person, but I will not admit to being a bad one either.
I do what I can in life, living in the way I see best. I make mistakes. I fix them. Sometimes, when things are beyond repair, I just pick up the pieces and use them to pave the way to a fresh start; utilizing the lessons I learned.
I recently "lost" a friend. Over something ridiculous, aka, gas money. Okay, I admit that I was wrong in the situation. But, for an outsider looking in, the bigger picture changes things drastically.
I do not have a car. I do not drive. I don't even have a permit, let alone a driver's license. Therefore, I can never really grasp how hard it is to pay for my own gas and such. I do however, happen to know the difference between paying my dues and being ripped off. Every time I hung out with this friend, which was often, I forked out gas money. EVERY time. I happen to know that this particular "friend" did not charge others gas money just to hang out. Aside from giving out gas money, I always bought this friend lunch. Such things as polar pops were purchased frequently; from my wallet. For the both of us. Now, maybe I should have been wiser. Maybe I should have put my foot down, and just stopped forking out my cash. But, I didn't think I would be taken advantage of. I mean, what kind of person takes advantage of their best friend? I know the answer to that question now. Anyway, back on topic.
So, when this particular friend decided that she wanted to purchase a new guitar, but did not have the necessary money to due so, I pulled the last eight dollars out of my wallet and handed it over. That's just the kind of friend I am I suppose. Willing to go broke, and go without lunch for a week, just to help my best friend out. A week or so later, she gave me back three dollars, and asked if that was all she owed me. I told her No, but not to worry about the other five dollars at the time. The very next day, I needed to run to wal mart for a few essential school supplies. My father, however, had to leave for work and did not have the time to take me there and back. I texted the friend in question asking if she could take me there, since my father could not. She replied with a simple. "gas..." I replied by telling her that, as always, I could give her gas money. I received a "ugg..." I took that as meaning that she didn't want to take me. So I simply said that I would just ask my grandmother instead. A few minutes later she told me to hang on and that she would come get me.
Here is where my faults start coming in. I wont even bother to deny them. I had $25 in my pocket. 15 for a test I was required to take, and ten to divide among the supplies I was going to purchase and the gas money I was going to give. I had it all planned out. However, nothing is cheap these days. Not only did I wind up having to spend the entire ten dollars I had planned on dividing among the gas tank and the supplies, but I also cut into my test fund as well. Which meant that I was going to have to ask my parents to let me borrow a small amount until I got paid again. Because of this, by the time she brought me back home, all I had to offer her was a dollar for gas. Considering all the other times I had over-paid her, bought her lunch, and the five dollars she still owed me, I assumed that this would not be a big deal. She thought otherwise.
She instantly got mad, and told me just to forget about it, that she didn't even want any gas money. Was I supposed to sit there in the car and allow her to yell at me? No. I just said okay, appalled that she was so angry, and got out of the car. A few minutes after I got in the house, she called me. The moment I picked up the phone she began yelling at me. I tried to explain to her the situation. I apologized for not having money to give to her. She continued to yell. I am not a five year old, and she is not my mother. Pardone my Francaise, but I hung up on that bitch.
She then attempted to call me back. I ignored her. She deserved it. Then she text messaged me and told me to get her stuff together because she was done with me. And then she called me by my mother's name, which basically implied that I am insane, controlling, et cetera. Whatever. I can talk about my mother and say those things when I get frustrated, but NO ONE else will say such things about her in a scornful way. Insulting my mother, is insulting me. You will not live.
After that, we got into an argument. Basically, I told her the same things I told her on the phone, that I was sorry things did not go according to plan. I told her she could just keep the five dollars she owed me, and accept that as gas money. Still, she insisted on being catty and ridiculous. She hit way below the belt by saying many rude/mean things to me. Things she knew I was insecure about...and things that she knew I couldn't help.
I warned her that if she was going to be "done" with me, that she needed to make sure that she was really done. That, this time, I wasn't going to accept an apology with claims of being on/off medication, or just being in a bad mood. She insisted that she was truly done. And continued to bash me and be immature. I made only one bad comment toward her. Only one.
It might be harsh to call someone easy. But, I never said I wasn't a harsh person. And, at least I was honest. I crushed her futile attempts at hurting me by hurting her back. I can't say that I'm sorry about this either. Though it is a bit immature of me not to. eh. =P
Later on in the night, I got a text message from her telling me that I was ridiculous, and that it was ridiculous for us not to be friends over one fight. I reminded her that I had given her a choice, and that the decision not to be friends was one that she made. She seemed to disagree. I mean, how exactly was the ending of the friendship being blamed on me? She chose.
Anyhow, needless to say, we did not speak the next day. She did however text me saying that she had my yearbook. It seemed harmless enough. I thought of it as a simple, peaceful, statement. I replied by telling her the things of hers that I had and I suggested a strategy for exchanging things. She did not oblige, and refused to make peace. She got catty again, and started being petty. She told me that I could get my stuff when I gave her gas money. I reminded her, once again, of the five dollars. She ignored this, and continued waging war with me.
When it became apparent that the situation was not going to be solved among the two of us, I took it to the adults. While my parents have tried rationally talking and attempted to get my things back, he parent insisted that she didn't want to get in the middle of it. That, however is another story in itself.
Here comes the honesty.
I am a hypocrite, a procrastinator, a child, and sometimes a jerk. I am also very sheltered, over-protected, and inexperienced. However, I am a good student and a good kid. I have never smoked, never drank, never had sex, and never done drugs. I am not bragging, but, I believe that being the way I am is good and I pride myself on it. While I CAN be a jerk, I usually am not. I'm kind-hearted and it is very difficult for me to be cruel. Somehow, I always manage to see the best in people, even when it is immensely over shadowed. I constantly forgive, and hand out second chances. Usually these chances go to those who do not even deserve it. I have flaws. But, I admit to them.
My father is a very hard-working man. He takes care of our entire family on his salary alone. Not only does he provide the essentials, but he provides for our wants as well. I fully admit that this family doesn't nearly deserve the amount of things that he gives us. We deserve so much less. But, my dad still works his ass off to provide for us. Why? Because that's just the type of man my father is. He is compassionate, loving, and down-to-earth. My dad also happens to be very blunt; he will be straight forward with you and tell you exactly how things are. He has a great grip on the world and has a very clear understanding of it. I have never met anyone as wise as him. My dad doesn't like dealing with drama though. More often than not, he chooses just to stray away from it. He closes his eyes most of the time, because he doesn't want to deal with things that really need to be dealt with. I do not blame him though. Who wants to work their butt off all day and then come home to deal with ridiculous problems, that shouldn't even be there in the first place?
My mom is "psychotic". Not really. My mom is very over-protective, and has sheltered me alot throughout my life. I am not allowed to do alot of things that even 10 year olds are allowed to do. I don't necessarily agree with my mother on this topic, and it often frustrates me to the point of crying/yelling. However, I can understand that it is hard for her to let go. I understand that she loves me. I think she could go about protecting me in a different way, and maybe loosen up a bit, but what can I really do about it? My mother likes to be in control. Many people do, they probably just don't get extreme about it. Regardless of the problems and the fighting, I love my mom. There was a time when I considered her to be my best friend, and when I told her everything. Things are different now, but they ARE getting better. My mom may be cranky 90% of the time, but the other 10% when she is happy, and being the same mom she was when we were best friends....well, I would take all the over-protection in the world for that 10%. Those moments make me happier than any other time in the world. And I will never giving up on hoping they always exist.
As for this ex-friend of mine. I cannot be scornful toward her. That just is not the type of person I am. I am angry with her, and upset. I am appalled by her action, and I will not forgive them. But, I will never deny that, at some point, she was my very best friend in the world. It seems that she has changed. I do not like who she has become, but I will always love who she was. I cant say mean things to her, or do mean things to her. Because, hurting her is hurting my best friend...even if she doesn't exist anymore. She was amazing. Fun(ny), vibrant, outgoing, understanding, and well....my other part. But facts are facts; she could also be very mean. She has anger issues, which are a bit more prominent than they are in most. She has sex. She does drugs. She smokes. She drinks. She throws a fit when she does not get her way. She doesn't put other peoples' feelings first, only her own. She will risks the happiness of all others, so long as she maintains her own. If she is happy, it doesn't matter that other's are miserable. Basically, she is selfish. But, I looked past this for a very long time.
Her mother is a wonderful person. And, for awhile, I considered her to be my friend as well. Maybe even a second mom. However, she has problems with the discipline side of parenting. She seems to be more concerned with keeping her kids happy, then with keeping them in line. I know that freedom is supposed to be given to a certain extent, but things get ridiculous. She bends over backwards for her daughters, and allows them to do things other parents would not. She knows about the bad things they do, but lets them go on doing it with the excuse that they have to make their own mistakes. When she does punish, she doesn't follow through. My opinion on the situation is that she is more concerned with being a friend than being a parent. I'm not saying she is a bad mom. She is a good mom. My point, however, is....maybe if the leash was a little bit shorter...the kids wouldn't be running so far out of the yard. She claims that she has more important things going on right now to be worried about the current situation. But, I would like to point something out. when you're a parent, you have to be worried about EVERY situation. Don't like it? Too Bad. It is your duty to deal with it all. Things get hard, and they get stressful, but that's parenthood, baby.
None of us are perfect. We never will be. We all have wrongs in this situation, but trying to point out the spots in which we are right, and being blind to the parts where we aren't is not going to solve anything. Sometimes we just have to open up our eyes and view a subject from all perspectives. It gets hard, but it is what must be done. I think things can be solved so much easier than this. But I am not dealing with it anymore. I stepped aside like I was told and let the adults handle it. But, what happens when the adults are acting like children?
I guess this is just another lesson learned.
Numero Uno: Do NOT leave your junk at someone Else's house.
sigh. I am so glad to get this off my shoulders.
On Monday, September 29, 2008 at 3:30 PM
This is absolutely ridiculous.
I don't even hold the courage to open up an IM window.Let alone type something as simple as "hi".
I have the bravery to jump off a cliff, or out of a plane,
but not to take a chance.
aeiyiyi.
On Sunday, September 28, 2008 at 12:03 PM
This saddens me.
But should it not make me happy? To see how far I have finally come...7-14-06
I am all alone in the world. I have no one...no one to talk to, no one to be with, no one who cares about or understands me. My life is meaningless. Although it horrifies me and although I dont want to...I keep catching myself wishing I were dead. Wishing the pain would go away, wishing that the dread welling up so deep inside of me would dissapear. It's not as if anyone would care, no one would miss me... I feel so -- alone. And so lost. It's not so much as I want my life to end..just the pain. Because I am so tired of feeling it. And so tired of crying.
9-27-08
I am happy now.
On Saturday, September 27, 2008 at 7:52 PM
The end.
I always knew it would come to this,I always knew who would be bitter and who would be calm.
It turned out just as I expected...just as I feared.
After it all, should we not still be friends?
Should we not have some sort of silent agreement regarding peace?
Immaturity will become you.
It will bring you down.
Don't you see what you've done?
I was the last stitch, holding you together when all other thread unraveled from your life.
Now you are a tattered disgrace.
Take your drugs.
Drink your booze.
Spit your trash.
Play your games.
Because in the end, I dont even care.
You've fallen from grace, m'dear.
And I'm still soaring above.
So tell me, hun, who's laughing now?
On Friday, September 26, 2008 at 1:41 PM
From Where You Are.
I've listened to this song before,listened and wrote. I poured my heart out on that sheet while I watched the rain push against the windows. I shared my poem, and I was given praise. If only he knew that he was my inspiration.
But people change, and time goes by. I look back now, and I can barely remember anything in between. How did the pain fade? When it hurt so much...
How did I forget? When the memories are so clear...
How did I move on? When such an impression was left...
None of it matters anymore. It's just another chapter in my book,
Another memory to pack away in my mind. Another shatter, another break, to bring me crashing down just so I can build myself back up. Dont you see how strong I'm getting.
My future is so bright. One day, my strenth will outshine it all. Alas, Happiness will come.
That's the funny thing about memories; some are so sharp, it's like you were just there, but evertyhing fuzzes in between. I wish I could remember it all; every single step I took to get to this place. I only remember the epiphanies. When I focus, I can remember all the moments when I actually felt alive. It's hard to believe that I was ever a child, I've always felt the same. I've always seen clearly. I've always wanted more, searched for more. I've always had this unyielding faith that something wonderful was meant for me. That I would find that something else...that other peice, that would finally complete me. Because something is missing inside. Something that was never even there. It has given me passion. Music. Beauty. Fear. Happiness. Pain. Any strong emotion ignites it all. Do you feel, the way I feel? Can you feel it just pulsing through your body? An adreneline rush to beat out all others...hope. I need to know. I need to find someone that shares this with me, someone that can explain. Someone that can give me the peices I dont have, and who I can give the peices that I do have. So we can finally understand. So I'm not alone. I know your out there somewhere. Please find me soon.
On Tuesday, September 23, 2008 at 12:35 PM
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Honesty is a virtue.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
This saddens me.
The end.
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